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i’ve got the funk

March 3, 2011

Every morning I drink a skinny soy vanilla latte from Starbucks. I love Netflix. I order all of my salads with the dressing on the side. I grew up in a suburb. I own lilac colored rain boots. My favorite movies include Austin Power’s The Spy Who Shagged Me and Music and Lyrics.

The following evidence all points to the fact that I am indeed white. Why is this important? Thanks to the transitive property, if a=b and b=c then a=c, it means I can’t dance.

Lord knows I try, but no matter how many Pussycat Doll workout videos I do, music videos I watch or stretches I preform, my dance moves always seem to resemble a household chore or appliance; the lawn mower, the washing machine, the q-tip, and an oldie but a goodie, the sprinkler.

I had finally come to terms with my practical, yet completely embarrassing and socially unacceptable dance moves after attending my first middle school mixer. I think it was the self consuming fear of having to grind that forced me to become comfortable with the title of “dancing outcast.” Up until today, I was content in knowing the outskirts of the dance floor was where I belonged. That is mostly because my gangly arms act as a weapon to anyone within five feet of my dancing radius. However, after yet another earth shattering Rock and Roll class with Glen Gass, the thin layer of content I once had has now been shattered.

Today we covered the history of Funk, and most importunely the impact James Brown had on the music industry. After watching numerous videos of James shaking his grove thang across the stage, my desire to dance like Michael Jackson, Chris Brown, or even the Beibster himself was revived.

This video will rock your dancing world.

After one rolled ankle, an impressive rug burn, and one obscenely drenched sweat band, I have been again smacked with the realization that no matter how hard I try, I can’t and will never be able to dance.

Dear James Brown/Chris Brown and any other Brown that can dance,

Please marry me so that my children can have a fitting chance. A woman can only hope that her children will have a better life than her own, and for me that means that my kids will be moon walking by their second birthday and therefore never have to dance like a home appliance.

Thanks,

-Sheri a la mode

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